it's been a long time since i've written in here, but i feel a certain incling that i should update. i'm approaching audition season, my first one is this weekend, and i feel like i'm exactly where i was 4 years ago. unsure, doubtful, weak, constantly second guessing myself and my abilities. to some of you, those verbs might sound redundant, but they are very different feelings. i hear myself and wonder, "am i good enough? will i get in anywhere?" and i am constantly reminded that my life is not in my hands. there is a reason why i am where i am at this time, and i have a specific purpose in the environment that God has placed me. whether or not i'm supposed to be here for another two years is not up to me. maybe my work here is done. i have no idea. i just know that the only thing i can do to is to practice hard, and pray hard. that's the motto i have in my viola case, "play hard, pray hard" followed by "cast your cares on the Lord for he cares for you" (i'm paraphrasing..). my fingers are sore and callused, my body is exhausted. and the only thing i have to cling to is knowing that God is faithful and will meet all my needs. My prayer for you is that you would know that and cling to that as well.
In case you didn't get it, the title is from a song I really like...although, I think I lost it on my computer somehow. Anyway, now that I finally have a moment to write and reflect a little, I've realized I haven't written in this in a long time. And there's one thing in particular that i want to share with all of you, but especially the girls. It's this-the idea that's it's ok to be dependent on someone and to want your needs fulfilled. Of course, I want to preface this by saying that it is God that is our first, foremost, and everything. But right now I'm talking on a physical, human, "I can touch you" level. I think in today's society, women are told that they need to behave and think in a certain way, that they need to be strong, independent, empowered, capable, and have an "i can do it all on my own" mentality. While these are by no means bad, when I think about what God has shown us in his Word about the roles of men and women in relationships, it's not so bad to feel good about being cared for, protected, provided for and loved. That's something that I really have to learn. God has really been teaching me about what it means to be ok with admitting my weaknesses, faults and shortcomings, and trusting people enough to not hold those things against me, and to love me in spite of those things.
Anyway...I've gone on long enough, it's time for bed. Love and blessings to you all. Goodnight.
sometimes you have those days where the hours are too long, the classes too boring, and all you want to do is sleep through the day because you're exhausted but you can't 'cause you've already maximixed your excusable absences for the semester. then your patience gets tested by someone you love and you blow up at them. or maybe you didn't mean to, but your voice is just so darn loud and projects so much that it seems like you're yelling at them. and then, when you think all is lost, the friendship broken forever, God steps in and reassures you that His friendship is the one that matters above all else. You never have to shout because He hears every word and thought in your heart. He knows your pain, the things you can't put into words, and He is there for you. Oh how amazing and wonderful is love of Christ!
i've got 5 minutes literally to write this before i'm late to my l& m class. i just wanted to say that i am incredibly encouraged by the posts that i read from you guys and gals, most of you are from ggcc. while i was comtemplating to complain about how my life is so stressed and unbalanced, i clicked "read subscriptions" and one by one was a list from different ppl about how you all feel so blessed. reading about what God is doing in your lives really made me stop and think. it's interesting how such a little thing like a xanga entry could lead someone to repentance. thanks guys.
Ok, so it really has been awhile. Thanks to all of you who still read this. This past year has been an extremely trying year for me. Lots of decisions to be made, lots of things to learn from, lots of things to still work on. My friends have been more than loving towards me and for that I really truly thank you. I can't even really remember what was happening at this time last year, but I'll try to recap.
If I had to sum up my experience this year in one word it would be: grace.
I have come to realize what it means to be on the giving and receiving end, to offer grace to friends and people who have hurt me, but I know also that the example of grace has been shown many a time to me by joe, steph, joyce and others. It's amazing to me how through the blessings of friendship God has shown me so many facets of his love and grace. Going to Urbana, I was able to endure what people starving in third world countries experience and identify just a tiny tiny bit of what their life is like. My perspective on missions has completely changed and I feel compelled to do whatever it is I can to reach one more for Jesus.
On January 1, while I was still at Urbana, I checked my email in the Dome and the first thing I saw was an email from Joseph Polisi, President of the Juilliard School. He had written to notify the student body that a third year drama student, Jared Nathan, had died a few days earlier as a result of being in a car with someone who was intoxicated. As I read this email, I literally fell to the ground and tears started rolling down my cheeks. Was I close to this person? Not terribly. But I recalled the last time I spoke to him. It was at the dance concert a few days before winter break, and though we weren't in the same circle of friends, he spoke to me as if at that moment, he was genuinely engaged in what we were saying. Did I have the opportunity to share the gospel with him? I don't know. Sometimes I think we Christians feel awkward or don't know how to approach someone about the gospel. Well...I'm telling you now, to get over it. Get over yourself. The gospel is not about you or how it makes you feel, it's about God's amazing love and redemption for all of mankind. I'm sorry if that's a lil blunt, but I don't believe that our God is a timid God, and He can do amazing things though our lives if we let him.
I guess I'll sum up by leaving you all with a challenge. And I know that not all the people reading this share the same beliefs as I and I'm not trying to be all preachy. I challenge us all to live what Paul wrote in Ephesians, "to live a life worthy of the calling which you have received..." We all have a calling. Let's make sure we go out there and do it.
